My UPS guy

Ode to the UPS man.

Oh thank you UPS man for gracing me with your wonderful presence every so often. I can't tell you how excited I get each time I get online and check the tracking of my packages. Butterflies float around in my tummy each time I see that my package has arrived and is 'Out for Delivery.' For this is because I know that I'll get to see you.

Thank you so much for scaring the heeby jeebies out of me each time you come around. Your mobster-like pounding on my front door scares the crap out of me each and every time, especially when I'm deep in thought about what my -precious package is holding. Although scary, I love the feeling that I get whenever you pound on my door - I feel like the Five Points Gang are standing on the other side ready to break my knee-caps. Not only does your pounding excite me, but your attitude towards life in general makes me await each visit from you in anticipation. Your love for your job is very apparent in the way you speak to me and although I have suspected this, you have finally confirmed for me, that your love of dogs is something that you lack...very much. Yes, my dogs love to protect me. I am after all, the Big Momma - and no one can hurt me when they are around. Your little comments about why on earth we would have 3 dogs always brings a smile to my face. I often wonder why your so interested in my personal life - but then I realize that you too get excited when you look at your daily-run list and see my name & address on there. I know its the hi-lite of your day. Please don't deny it.

Oh yes, your love of life is a wonderful thing. I especially love how angry you get whenever you have to come to my house 2 days in a row. Your mother raised you right, she taught you how to bitch. Wonderful. Oh UPS Man, will you ever learn? Your such a confusing creature, quite intriguing really. Some packages are left in our storage closet right outside of our front door because you decided to have a good day or merely because the dogs didn't bark at you. While other packages you take with you and leave a stinking little note telling me you'll be there tomorrow at the same time you were today. The same exact time tomorrow. I know you like playing these games, my little UPS man. Oh yes, I know. You like to watch me squirm and drool in anticipation of my package. Thats why you leave these little notes telling me you will try everyday for 4 days to drop off my package even though you know I won't be there between 9 - 10:30am. Yes, its true, even though you love your job more than anything - I love mine more. Therefore, I work everyday which means that I don't get to see your wonderful face and charming personality as much as I'd like. But like I said, I know you like to play these little games. I know that your just waiting until the 5th day when you leave the note that says I have to drive to a UPS location in some far away land and pick up my wonderful package. I know you just want me to see you in your territory. Its human nature.

Oh UPS man, you were so nice and caring for about 3 weeks. Was it because you finally pushed that button of mine and I told you that we aren't always home to recieve packages and some are very important so if you could kindly leave them here without a signature that would be great? Or was it because you'd already been at our house earlier that week and you didn't want to come back? Oh UPS man, please, for the love of all things good in this world, please keep your little snide comments to yourself about my life and what each of my packages contains.

I would hate to have to meet a happy UPS man besides seeing you every package delivery day